Dear God,
Please grant unto me everything I want today. I know you have planned everything out for my good, but I think it would be better if you’d just do things my way.
Also please make John McCain win the election, not the Black Muslim guy. I know you already have a plan about that too, but I feel like you should know my opinion about these things.
Make my oil stocks go up so I can buy that new Hummer.
And of course make my food nutritious unto my body today, because I’m not sure if it has the same nutrition value unless you do something to it.
Amen amen amen,
Dan
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Ty: Please. A moon hoaxer talking about good science? “I personally do not believe that we can prove that... 
Mike: Mythbusters did not demolish the assertions made by the denialist. I personally do not believe that we can... 
7 Comments
You need to lay hands on the gas pumps next time you go there so that God will lower the price!
I see Exxon made record profit, so your prayers must be working!
Your bitterness makes me smile, Daniel. Long may it continue.
Dear Dan,
Thanks for dropping by, I enjoy hearing from you, and appreciate knowing your opinion about stuff that concerns you. I only wish there was more to our relationship than your requests, you know? I, too have emotions and desire to be shown love, that’s why I created you, one who is more like me than every one of my other creatures, remember?
Now about your requests: I can do exceedingly more than you ever ask or imagine.
I don’t decide who wins the election, the American voters do. I created both McCain and “the Black Muslim guy”. By the way, “the Black Muslim guy” identifies himself as a Christian, but it wouldn’t bother me, either way. I am the God of both Christians and Muslims, only they refer to me by different names, just like many cultures and languages all over the world. I would appreciate it if you stop making the other guy’s amount of melanin and religion of choice such a big deal. Maybe you would see the good and the bad of each of them better. I suggest you give it a try.
It’s mostly the desires and greed of stock holders at the Stock Exchange markets that make the oil stock prices go up and down. Follow the market and keep track of conflicts in oil producing countries, supply and demand of oil, financial and other reports, rumors and especially mass psychology.
Should your oil stocks go up, it’s up to you to buy the Hummer. Or not. But I advise against it because of the effect it has on your environment which I created but entrusted to you. Bear in mind that your actions have far reaching consequences, and most people just don’t have the resources to counter them, sometimes because of the unfavorable conditions put in place by some like you.
Love,
God*
*PKW
Prayers are always the same. Have been for hundreds of generations. It is always a case of ignorant people asking the invisible man in the sky to help them or give them something. Zeus, Horus, Krishna, and Jehovah all heard, and still hear, the same basic prayer. This is the outline for the real model prayer:
[Insert name of deity here], thank you for being so ________ and ______. [This is where you suck up to them royal by blowing smoke up their asses. This can go on for several minutes.]
Please ___________[Here, the supplicant asks for what they want/need.]
And here’s the kicker….
But above all, your will be done.[This is the point where you should realize that, if this is what you really want, that praying is pointless. ________ is going to do whatever they want anyway, so why bother asking them not to.]
Amen
And also please make everyone’s hearts change to accept my worldview, which is the correct one. It’s probably because they are lost and have not been exposed to my beliefs in the right way.
Please place your healing hand on my close friends and family who are sick, because otherwise you might let them die.
In Jesus’ name
Amen
Yeah, well it’d help if this wasn’t just a one-way conversation. You ever gonna get around to answering?
So do we.
Um–I’m feeling really uncomfortable now, Lord. You’re saying you made humans for the sole purpose of glorifying you? For that you spent a week building a whole world? Couldn’t you have just made up some affirmational posters or something?
Well? We’re waaaaiiting.
So you’re saying McCain was the beta test version? Oh, and the American voters are more powerful than you? Interesting …
Really? They don’t think so. Not really. Not one of them, deep down. But hang on–all these religions worship you in all sorts of different ways. Jews skip the pork platter, Catholics drink wine, Wiccans do weird $#17 with knives … So you’re telling me that it’s okay to do pretty much anything I want, and if I say it’s in praise of you then that’s okay? Cool!
I hereby declare that I will have sex with the Swedish Bikini Team in praise of God/Allah/Jawa (is that how you spell it?)/the volcano/Fred. Thy will be done! Yeesssss!
Actually, I think it’s mostly your supporters doing that–could you send them a memo or something?
So you’re not personally endorsing McCain? Maybe you should let his campaign manager know.
Um … So you’re not able to change that? I though you had that omnipotence thing going on …
Hang on–YOU’re a conspiracy theorist? Wow. Just wow.
Oh–I just got it: “‘Mass’ psychology”–Ha! You with the puns!
Yeah–mind me asking how come you didn’t send us a warning about that global warming thing back say, two hundred years ago when we really could have used it? We thought you wanted us to strip mine the place–didn’t you tell us we were pretty much in charge of it?
Nice–so you’re shrugging off all the responsibility? You had no part at all in this? It’s all my fault? Dude, I’m just one person, and unlike you I’m not omnipotent, I’m also not the one claiming that nothing happens in the universe without my say-so.
With great power comes great responsibility, right? So what comes with ultimate power?
I’m just sayin’.
Cheah, right–see if I ever talk to you again, if that’s all the help we’re gonna get.