It doesn’t get much stupider than this.
“Please do not expect to be raptured if you are into fornication, if you are into adultery, and if you are into contraceptives.”
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86 Comments
This guy and Putz Robertson must be best buds….
sheesh
The “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse” and “Co-Prophet of the Endtimes”?
Whaaaaaaa?
Sounds like some weird death-cult offshoot of mainstream Christianity.
(not that Christianity itself isn’t a death-cult offshoot of Judaism……)
Thank you Daniel! This totally made my day. I’ve been laughing hysterically for about five minutes now. I especially enjoy the “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse” and “Co-Prophet of the Endtimes”.
Glad to know I won’t be raptured because of my condom usage.
But if your condom ruptures will you be raptured?
Also, what in hell is a “monAgamous” relationship? I know what a monogamous relationship is….its fiction!
Me again :)
The editing every other phrase/sentence. I first noticed it when a semi was passing right to left. One second its approaching the brisge, and miraculously it appears on the other side.
You’d think the “Third eragle of the Apocalypse” could finish a complete sentence.
all typos are the property of the author who accepts no responibilty for his ability to type.
What is a monogamous relationship?
Why would somone want to be in a monogamous relationship?
I want to be a mormon! LOL
That made holy water come out my nose!
You make up our own rules when you play Kings…you are the player and the rule-maker.
The “also know as the third eagles of the apocalypse” statement amazed me too. At least you know he is crazy right off the bat! I did learn something, I hadn’t know that the withdrawal method is a Planned Parenthood technique…
The “withdrawal method”… aka the ol’ “Pull-n-Pray.”
Thirty-eight seconds. I couldn’t be bothered to listen to his crackheaded nonsense after “if you use contraceptives, you won’t be raptured,” and “Of course, the Pope is right.”
How can the Pope be right about ANYTHING pertaining to sexual activity, seeing as he is ostensibly a virgin? To me, it’s like getting computer repair advice from the Amish.
I love the joke from (I think it’s Larry the Cable Guy),
“If you ever see an Ammish guy with his hand up a horse’s @$$, that’s a mechanic.”
Well according to him ONLY the inventor gets to make the rules. Therefore he must believe that the pope invented sex. Which I think is pretty impressive for a guy who is trying to claim he never had sex, or even seen a lady naked.
The Pope? You know what they say, “If you don’t play the game, don’t make the rules!”
Maybe they mean God – though in fairness, the guy’s only been laid ONCE in 4.5 billion years – not exactly libido of the epoch, is he? And he can’t be any good in the sack with so little practice – no wonder he doesn’t want the rest of us getting any!
That’s why he wanted a virgin. An experienced woman would have laughed at him.
Okay, honestly, that has to be the coolest nickname ever.
Which one? “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse” or “Co-Prophet of the Endtimes”?
Does it matter?
Point taken. However, the problem with those nicknames is I immediately think, “Well, who’s the First or Second Eagle and who is the Chief Prophet of the Endtimes?” See, I’d rather hear from the First Eagle and the Chief Prophet, as their lunacy is likely to be fresher than Third Eagle’s.
Well, I suppose “Co-” could imply equality, so he’s got that going for him. But your point about being the “3rd” doesn’t bode well.
She’s the chief-resident, you’re just the co-chief resident.
But we’re CO!
Well, if I learned anything from the US version of “The Office,” it’s that “co-” anything usually doesn’t work out. ;-)
So wait, is it just condoms? Or all forms of contraception?
I just want to be sure about that, so I can be sure about getting Snatched Up
How can anybody disagree with this statement: If You Use Condoms You Will Not Be Raptured? It is obviously true.
Haha! It’s not true per se. “Being raptured” is an empty referent, therefore it is actually meaningless.
I think that was the point being made.
Is it bad that I know the names of and am familiar with all the “False Prophets” that he mentions near the end?
Wait a minute. He says only 144,000 will be raptured, and the other 99.99% of Christians must pass through the fire that everybody else (non-believers) must pass through? Even thought they follow his crazy rules? What then is the point? What are the odds of being one of those 144,000??
As I’m passing through the fire next to a believing non-condom wearing Christian, I gotta remember to ask him this.
I didn’t invent the game of sex, but I have perfected it. 47 seconds of ecstasy. I don’t mean to brag, but, you know what I’m saying lady. And sorry, yes, I am taken.
Also, how dare this tool utter Mickey Mantle’s name in this nauseous diatribe. Now I hope there is an afterlife and The Mick haunts his stupid ass with his Louisville Slugger upside his dopey head.
(I’m really anti-violence, but casting me to hell for my spilled seed is one thing, invoking The Mick, however, is blasphemy!!!)
“if you are into contraceptives”
I you are into contraceptives?
What, like, collecting them?
Perhaps he meant “into” in a much more literal sense ;-).
I’m guessing he’s making this video standing in the icy lake because talking about sex makes his naughty bits swell and you can’t be raptured with a chubby.
Hahahah – lol’ed all by myself.
That would be embarrassing – ZAP – raptured early in the a.m. – morning wood blazing. Jesus will totally notice.
Would he laugh and understand or escort you out?
Well, if Jesus was “fully human,” he certainly should laugh and understand. It’s not like morning wood is a recent addition to homo sapien.
But then again, this is Jesus we’re talking about; his dad’s a bit of a nutter, so…yeah, all morning wood will get you sent straight to hell!
If only the inventor can make rules, why do the baseball, football, etc. commissioners keep making new ones? Don’t they realize that’s a no no? If Abner Doubleday didn’t decree it, it’s heresy!
Can’t the inventor of the condom create a rule that condoms are allowed to be used during sex?
God invented the inventor of condoms. And for that matter, he invented ‘invention.’
You lose. God wins. Times infinity plus infinity. :p
Is it just me, or does the color and shape of his tie look like a penis? Perhaps it’s the topic.
I am cracking up that you noticed that …… it sure does!!! ;)
LMAFO! So true… sneaking up on his mouth…
I like the inconspicuous lapel mike he’s using. If you use 21st century technology, you aren’t going to be raptured either.
Hah! Good eye.
And I’m into the way that big ol’ mic looks like a Big Ol’ Penis sneaking up on his mouth along with his tie.
The credentials of this prophet are impressive: from his own Youtube profile:
“When I retired in 2001 I fully expected to enjoy full time my avocations of bass fishing and making sculpture. The long, cold Adirondack winters also afforded me a lot of time to renew my interest in the Holy Bible and that’s when I discovered I have a unique gift to understand the end times prophecies of Daniel, Esther, Ezekiel, Revelation etc. Not that interpretation is always obvious and so when I have doubts I stop and pray about it, usually Mary’s Rosary (I am a practicing Roman Catholic) and the Lord answers, not in an audible voice, but to my mind. When I asked who is the “eagle” in Revelation 8:13, He said “you are”. This really shook me,…”
I think those “long, cold Adirondack winters” may have frozen some parts of his brain…
Per usual, he has to throw in one true statement just to keep us on our toes. At ~ 03:22 he states that Jack Van Impe, Hal Lindsey and John Hagee are false prophets.
And yet he doesn’t get the irony. Poor, stupid bastard.
Is it weird/ incorrect that I don’t consider myself a condom user because I consider the guy wearing it the actual user? And if that is not weird/ incorrect, then does this mean that women don’t have to worry about this rapture issue?
:P
Don’t worry, women are unclean and rapture-unworthy for many other reasons.
My god, that was hilarious. WHERE do you find this shit? It was so funny how stinkin’ serious he was through the whole. WOW.
Lol, I love it when people are parodies of themselves. It’s quite amusing. “Of course this is another lie from satan…” It couldn’t possibly be from another source?
Sex is a game, boy, there’s some interesting imagery. Is it like checkers, where you jump the other player’s pieces? Hmm, kinda! Or Monopoly, where you try to get the other player to pay you more than you pay them? That kind of fits, too, sometimes. And let’s not even get into baseball, what with its first, second, and third bases. Bowling? Throw your balls down a lane and try to hit that triangle straight on. Hmmmm. I think you’d be hard pressed to find any game that isn’t a metaphor for sex. Of course, in all those games you have a winner and a loser. I’d really like to know what this guy thinks ‘winning’ the game of sex is, and what ‘losing’ the game of sex is.
Pin the tail on the donkey.
It’s like that.
More like pin the tail. (I kid, I kid!!)
The funy thing is that religious attack him since he pretends to know the word of god so it would mean he is a false prophet and what do you do with false prophets? ;-)
Damn. I’m screwed…
Why has no one gotten on him for what he says at around 1:10? Onin(Or however the hell you spell it) wasn’t punished simply because he “spilled his seed,” he was punished because he didn’t knock up the girl he was supposed to as a result. That’s different than just wasting sperm.
Specifically, Onan was supposed to “Lie with your [late] brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother.” Probably Onan didn’t want competition for the b-i-l’s estate. In any case, “What he did was wicked in the LORD’s sight; so he put him to death also.” If Onan had practised abstinence instead, he would still have been failing in his duty.
Either Third Eagle is lying to us, or he is simply ignorant with regard to this part of his cultural heritage.
Genesis 38.
He sounds like a high video game player:
Olen uses planned parenthood technique:Spilling seed.
GAWD uses displeasure.
Olen is dead.
GAWD wins.
Your posts never get old.
I thank my lucky stars, and personal good sense, to have left the U.S. decades ago if fuckwits like this “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse” are allowed to roam the streets without being properly leashed.
His babbling would be funny it if were not so warped ….
LMAO @ this dip shit talking about “pulling out” and “spilling seed”
I guess he’s never heard of CalvinBall.
I was waiting,but not once did he actively speak against oral nor anal sex…he did kind of speak out against homosexuality,but not the other two,I was amazed, actually. He even said it was possible to be a virgin but not chaste,yet did not condem that too much….what a rambling goofball, let us also not forget that many non catholic theologians base a lot upon the concept of 144,000, which is properly not those raptured(the rapture itself being an invention of some preachers of various protestant faiths..or one in particular the exact name of the man escapes me at the moment) but those whom are saved and get to heaven and there are only 144,000 of them ever according to revelations, without even getting into the qualifications to be in that number, doesn’t that mean that Christ didn’t die for all of our sins, but only those 144,000? What a nut job,he can’t even follow the basics of his own former/current(?) catholic faith.
Since he is bringing up baseball, Im calling condoms the designated hitter of the sex game. We get to choose the time and place we send our best up to bat.
Oh, so this is what it takes to opt out? I’d better get busy…
I’m having a fun little back and forth with the 3rd eagle prophet right now on the youtube page. It’s a slow morning.
@Third Eagle of the Apocalypse: I wish your dad had used a condom.
Another resident of the Burned-over district. Must be something in the water.
1) anyone ntoice the irony of his misprounciation of monogamous as mo-NAG-amous? (yes, i am married)
t2) How does he go from the mention of the 12 virgins being chosen/the example to just being chaste but not a virgin? Isn’t his interpretation inventing rules??????????
3) this is the epitomy of the timeless christian message: if you choose not to reproduce you will be punished (go to hell)… because how could they maintain their power structure if not for the sheep blindly following?
4) regarding his intro- I think he should be “also know as the great delusion of grandeur”.
err, sorry, that’s epitome……
why don’t they ever quote the bad scriptures, and without trying to justify them. cherry-picking is disgusting and taking stupid illogical verses and attempting to logically explain them is also disgusting. i can’t believe christians don’t see how stupid they are by obsessing over sex. i bet all the other animals are glad they aren’t human, because no one tells them how to have sex.
Why is it than whenever I hear someone talk about how contraception is evil, I am forced to immediately think of Monty Python… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fRJ0T-y-pw
hah, dig his “lapel” mic placement.
HAHAHA! Pull out -n- pray
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!11!!!!11!!!!1!!!!!
so you have to be chaste to be one of 144 000, yeh well this guy should read his bible coz it also says you have to b a circumcised jewish man who has never lied and is already dead… good luck with that one God
I am a Christian, and this man is a wolf. He is delusional and horribly misinterprets scripture. Sexual purity is something Christians need to practice, but the rest is completely bogus. Do not let this man fool you, or discourage you. Third eagle of the apocalypse….give me a break. Those who are here, on earth, at the time that the trumpet is blown, who are followers of Jesus Christ will be raptured. Christians are never appointed to God’s wrath. The 144,000 are Jewish tribulation saints. This man, I pray heeds this scripture:
James 3:1
1 My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive a stricter judgment.
Thank goodness someone came along with the *correct* interpretation of nonsensical mythology.
The world thanks you for your great service.
TrueFollower, are you even aware that the very ideas of “end times” and “the rapture” are less then 250 years old? They were invented, I believe, by an insane Scottish migrant to the US. How can you put such faith in them?
No. Enoch is a type of this as is Elijah and the book of Enoch is (verifiably) ancient.
There are types and foreshadows of this “rapture” (meaning change) throughout scripture in both Old & New Testaments. Whether or not it means what many contemporary believers think is a whole ‘nother question altogether but it is definitely not 250 yrs old.
Some condoms can inhibit feelings of rapture, whereas others actually enhance it. Texture is your friend.