Satire, constitutional law, and religion… is it my birthday already? (For the record: no, that’s in April. Send gifts.) This recent Onion article is perfect: Area Man Passionate Defender of What He Imagines Constitution to Be

ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

“Our very way of life is under siege,” said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. “It’s time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are.”
According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left “traitors” to strip it of its religious foundation.

“Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: ‘one nation under God,’” said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. “Well, there’s a reason they put that right at the top.”

I find this hilarious, but partly because it’s so close to real life – as good satire must be. So many of the people vehemently opinionated on the separation of church and state don’t have any sense of what the constitution says on the subject or the history is. They often get our patriotic documents mixed up – even House Minority Leader John Boehner gets it wrong (check out my friend Paul Fidalgo’s article at Examiner.com).

Is there any way we can politely tell citizens “Here’s a copy of the Constitution for you to read, please don’t vote until you finish it”?

Congress voted Monday to cut federal funding for the superconducting monkey collider, a controversial experiment which has cost taxpayers an estimated $7.6 billion a year since its creation in 1983.

The collider, which was to be built within a 45-mile-long circular tunnel, would accelerate monkeys to near-light speeds before smashing them together. Scientists insist the collider is an important step toward understanding the universe, because no one can yet say for certain what kind of noises monkeys would make if collided at those high speeds.

“It could be a thump, a splat, or maybe even a sound that hasn’t yet been heard by human ears,” said project head Dr. Eric Reed Friday, in an impassioned plea to Congress. “How are we supposed to understand things like the atom or the nature of gravity if we don’t even know what colliding monkeys sound like?”….

Construction of the collider’s acceleration mechanism was delayed for years, as scientists couldn’t decide how to get the monkeys up to smashing speed. Last month, it was finally decided that the collider would employ a system in which the monkeys run through the tunnels chasing holographic projections of bananas. “Monkeys love bananas,” Reed said, “and they’re willing to run extremely fast to get them.”

(via The Onion, of course)

Rumor has it that this was done by the then-President of Seattle Atheists.

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Okay, maybe it’s not really R — quick, flee, there’s a drunken man in the house!

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A similar committee: Microsoft in 1978

We finally have discovered, beyond any shadow of a doubt, how our universe was been created. No, it’s wasn’t by some all-powerful eternally begotten long-haired hippy. Nor was it from an Invisible Pink Unicorn (bless his holy hooves). It ends up the universe was created by committee.

Doesn’t everything make so much more sense now?

The most extensive analysis yet undertaken of the structure and contents of the universe conclusively proves the universe was created not by a single entity, as has been widely suggested, but by “a fractious and disorganized committee or committees given to groupthink and petty infighting”, according to Drs. Karl Pootle and Yumble Frick, co-authors of the study. The analysis is expected to have profound implications on the theoretical underpinnings of many popular religions….

“Biodiversity is the primary stumbling block,” said Dr. Pootle. “Whoever created this cacophony of species would have had to be infinitely powerful and infinitely creative, but also infinitely schizophrenic to come up with the myriad different solutions to identical problems that the creators of the universe have. Either that, or we’re looking at a different kind of process altogether”….

“If you’re one guy designing a universe, why come up with twenty different ways of tackling the same issue?” Pootle said. “If you’re omnipotent, presumably you know perfectly well whatever the one solution is that will work best, and you go with that. The fact that the world obviously doesn’t work that way is what led us first to the committee theory. The plants and animals that inhabit the Earth show the kinds of random and incoherent thinking that can only otherwise be found in the products of design committees where there’s a lot of CYA and turf protection going on.”

A picture of a real live witch, not Kimberly Daniels.

Oh all you guys think Halloween is just fun for the kids. Not true! We’re actually worshiping Satan and playing with demons!

At least according to Kimberly Daniels, who has an article published on CBN and Charisma, two popular Christian websites. She says:

If this holiday is hallowed, whose service is it set apart for? The answer to that question is very easy—Lucifer’s!

Lucifer is a part of the demonic godhead. Remember, everything God has, the devil has a counterfeit. Halloween is a counterfeit holy day that is dedicated to celebrating the demonic trinity of: the Luciferian Spirit (the false father); the Antichrist Spirit (the false holy spirit); and the Spirit of Belial (the false son)….

Really? A counterfeit Satanic trinity? You just can’t make this stuff up.

Well, that’s not true. They do make this stuff up.

Mrs. Satanic Expert continues:

During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

Citation needed. And that could be said after most of her sentences.

I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference….

The truth is that these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist. I have prayed for witches who are addicted to drinking blood and howling at the moon….

Decorating buildings with Halloween scenes, dressing up for parties, going door-to-door for candy, standing around bonfires and highlighting pumpkin patches are all acts rooted in entertaining familiar spirits. All these activities are demonic and have occult roots.

Well there you have it, folks. An expert on all the activities of the demonic Satan worshipers — which I guess is us, since we celebrate Halloween — has thus declared it so.

While this woman is afraid of demons and witches, I’ll be honest… I’m a little afraid of her. She makes statement after statement about things she can’t possibly know. She doesn’t know there’s a demonic trinity. She doesn’t know that most of the candy sold has been “prayed over by witches.” She doesn’t know that curses become active during this season. Those are assertions that are impossible to prove.

I don’t think this woman is stupid. Her article is fairly well-written and she’s obviously given the topic a great deal of thought. So if she’s not stupid, what is she?

There’s two options: she’s either a fraud or very self-deluded.

Update: Daniels’ article has been deleted by CBN with no explanation — I’d guess from all the negative attention. As someone on reddit said, this is an article so crazy CBN deleted it.

I’m sure there’s a Democrat version, too…

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109. ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF DISPROOF, a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM SHIFTED BURDEN OF PROOF
(1) You can’t prove God doesn’t exist!
(2) Therefore, God exists.

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What? Now you’ve opened up your soul to Him and made a home for the Lord in your heart, too?….

Get your own Redeemer, Matt. I have a one-on-one, personal relationship with Jesus, and I don’t remember inviting you in on it…. Just because I happen to have proselytized unto you on His behalf, that doesn’t mean I welcomed you into the fold or expected you to embrace the one true Messiah. I was only saying that stuff out of devotion to His teachings, not because I wanted you to get with God, too.

I was the one who found that little cartoon pamphlet on the ground. I was the one who looked into my soul and realized that I’d been living a lie spun by the great deceiver. Iwas the one who got down on my hands and knees, right there in the bus shelter, and accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into my heart—not you. I broke the bonds of sin and was reborn into a new and beautiful world of eternal life, man! And now, you want to get some of my eternal life after death for yourself.

You’re lucky I’ve devoted myself to the worship of a forgiving and benevolent messianic figure, or else I’d seriously want to pop you one right now.

Spare me the rhetoric about loving kindness, turning the other cheek, and “all are welcome at the table of the Lord.” This isn’t about that, Matt, and you know it. This is about me finding something really great, and then you swooping in from outside to take my cool new personal Savior and claim Him for yourself.

You can read the whole thing here.

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